My Anxiety is Getting in the Way of My Relationship - Help!

By: Mackenzie Lynn, B.S.

Have you frequently found yourself doubting your romantic partner’s feelings for you?

Have you felt yourself needing constant reassurance, attention, and affection from them?

Do you often worry that they want to leave you? Have you been referred to as clingy or needy?

If any of these are true, first, what a struggle you have had! These experiences can be exhausting & hurtful. I am here to say that I see you, I hear you, and I want to help you understand yourself a little better.

Secondly, you may have an anxious attachment style. But what does that mean, and how can you manage it? 

There are 4 main attachment styles: Secure, Anxious/Ambivalent, Avoidant, and Disorganized.

Your attachment style is formed from infancy and is shaped by the way your caregivers responded to your needs. It relies on how much of a secure base & safe haven they provided for you. For example, if your parents sometimes met your needs, but other times did not, this inconsistency is typically the formation of an anxious (also referred to as ambivalent) attachment style.  All attachment styles carry into adulthood, manifesting in the way you show up in romantic relationships.

Summarily, there isn’t anything wrong or difficult about YOU. You can blame it on your attachment style ;) 

The Experience of Anxiety in Relationships

A common experience for anxiously attached people is to feel significant anxiety in the face of uncertainty when it comes to your relationship. You may also fear that the worst is going to happen, which translates to frequently anticipating rejection. This causes you to have a negative outlook on many situations, further fueling the anxiety in relationships.

Let’s paint a picture of this: 

You are at work and decide to text your partner a loving message, feeling a wave of appreciation come over you.  Hours go by - no response. You know they are at home, what could they possibly be doing? Your thoughts continue to spiral as no response comes in and you find yourself eventually wondering  (if not convinced) if they are canoodling with a friend they mentioned the other day. It becomes hard to think of anything else. You feel your heart rate go into overdrive. Eventually, they respond to you letting you know they fell asleep. You feel angry, silly, and relieved.

Someone with an anxious attachment style may also find themself in frequent arguments with their partner because they are settling for any type of interaction. Arguing may be an inadvertent way to keep your partner in the room (even while yelling) for just a little bit longer, when what you are really looking for is connection and closeness.

Can I change my attachment style? 

There is a strong argument for the notion that one can change their attachment style. It is absolutely possible to alter the ways in which you at least cope with your anxious tendencies. Here are a few suggestions: 

Communicate your needs - use your love language

Tell your partner what your needs are in specific, approachable terms. Explicitly name what actions you need from them and when. Assuming “if they wanted to they would” is not going to fulfill you.

An example of a specific need might be:  “I need you to kiss me goodbye before you leave, because it reassures me throughout the day.”

You can also use your love language to help name what makes you feel loved - you might appreciate loving and reassuring words more than your partner does, which may be why they are not giving that to you. Telling them what your love language is can help them better understand how to meet your needs. Find out what your love language is here: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Breathe

Redirect your energy

Challenge your thoughts

Learn your triggers

At the end of the day, know that needing a little extra reassurance doesn’t make you inferior. You are worthy of love.

Whether you are looking for that person or are already with them - there is someone out there for you who is willing to love you the way you need to be loved. You deserve it. 

If you are struggling with your attachment style, please do not hesitate to reach out for support. Both individual and relationship counseling can be beneficial.

We are here to help!

If you reside in Florida, feel free to contact us at 407-308-0345 or contact@hopeserenityhealth.com and ask us about our discounted rates.