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Two weeks before the start of the New Year, Natalie sat down and listed everything she wanted to do in the AI program. She told the program to create a schedule to help her achieve her New Year's Resolution goals:
Lose weight, get more sleep, drink more water, work out, eat healthier,
spend less time on her phone, read more, socialize more, meditate, and journal.
Natalie also wanted a healthier relationship, so she asked AI to include reading recommendations to improve her love and sex life. Just as she was about to click send, she stopped herself and said "Oh! And one more thing." She remembered that she's been thinking about getting into podcasting, so she asked AI to include guidance and scheduling on that too.
The AI program that Natalie affectionately calls "Gina" (after her favorite character from the 90's television show "Martin") got to work. In less than 60 seconds, Natalie had a full, step-by-step list of what to do to start achieving her goals over the next 30 days. Natalie typed into Gina, "Thanks! But can you extend this plan out for the year?" To which Gina responded, "You're welcome! And certainly, I would be happy to help you with that. Here is your one year plan. Good luck!" Another 15 seconds, and Natalie had a 12 month schedule for what she called her "New Year, New Me" plan. Natalie was determined to be better this year. With the output from Gina, Natalie smiled and with excitement said to Gina, "You go girl!" She copied the plan into her phone and scheduled her New Year, New Me goals to begin January 1st.
The Issue with "New Year, New Me" and New Year's Resolutions
You might be wondering, "Okay, so what's wrong with this? As a matter of fact, I am Natalie and Natalie is me." Dear reader, know that I am smiling with you as I write this. I want you to know that nothing is wrong with this. As a matter of fact, Natalie is doing great by aiming to set goals and creating a plan to achieve them.
The issue here is what "Gina" cannot do. Gina cannot help Natalie understand why she has been unable to achieve these goals in the past - and this is very important. You see, these goals are not new for Natalie. At various points in her life, Natalie wanted and worked hard to achieve many of these same goals before. She bought planners (with highlighters!), she created vision boards, she even had accountability partners. For several of the goals she'd been successful - losing the weight she wanted and being consistent with drinking water daily - for a while. Then, life would happen. She'd get in an argument with her boyfriend and find herself emotionally eating. Or she'd have a long and stressful day at work and grab a soda to help her stay awake. The next thing she knew, she was back to drinking more sodas and less water. And each time she did this or put on a few more pounds, she'd feel like she failed. With each "failure", Natalie would feel defeated. She would mentally beat herself up, see herself as weak, and tell herself to just give up. By the end of the year, things would feel so off balance that she'd know she needed to do something, so she'd tell herself she just needed a restart. The best time for restarts always seemed to be the beginning of the year. So she'd tell herself that she would just start again - next year.
Natalie didn't fail. But setting the goal, or "resolution" of being a "New Me" each year and not achieving it always makes her feel as if she did. The truth is, she actually did amazingly well each time she put forth the effort (because putting forth the effort is often the most challenging part). The real issues were: 1) the way Natalie thought about herself after each attempt (i.e. failure), and 2) the way Natalie viewed and approached the changes - that they were things she thought she needed to do to "be better", instead of things she wanted to do to embrace joy and self-love.
Natalie didn't fail. The real issues were 1) the way Natalie thought about herself ... and 2) the way Natalie viewed and approached the changes - that they were things she thought she needed to do to "be better" instead of things she wanted to do to embrace joy and self-love.
Natalie is like many of us - many of the messaging around her tells her that who she is, just as she is, is not enough. That to be "better", she has to create a "new"version of herself. She has to look a certain way and do specific things. After all, there's no way that she can truly be happy at the size she is now. She has to wait until she's a certain weight to have a full, loving, and joyful life. Society tells her that it is impossible for her to feel joy if she doesn't meditate in the morning, go to bed at 8pm every night, and put everything in those cute little organizers from TikTok because, well, TikTok.
Discover Your Why
If I were to sit down with Natalie, together she and I would learn something very important: Many of the things she has on her New Year, New Me list she doesn't even like or want to do! What she's really after is a sense of joy and peace. She wants to feel better in her skin, she wants her thoughts to stop racing, and she wants more balance in her life. She wants to breathe and feel at ease and not on edge all of the time. She wants to feel like she is enough-in this moment and the next. And she wants to know why everyone else seems to have it all figured out and not her (Spoiler alert Natalie: Most everyone else is trying to figure "it" out too).
Natalie and I would dive deeper and together discover more about her. What does she like? What makes her laugh? What stresses her out? When she's stressed, how does it feel in her body? When does she feel most at ease? When was the last time she felt loved? If there was no one to compare herself to, what would she love about her whole self? And many, many more questions.
Once we took time to explore (likely over several months), I imagine Natalie's new goal list (or list of intentions) might look something like this:
Natalie's List of Intentions
Natalie's Why: To feel less stressed and emotionally healthier (happier) overall in my day-to-day life.
Instead of this... | I really want this. | So I'll do this! |
Lose weight | Feel beautiful and sexy. | Work on improving my self-esteem (e.g., say good things to myself; connect with others who say positive things to me; do self-esteem building journal prompts). |
Going to bed at 8 | Feel rested and well. | Practice bringing myself into a state of calm towards the end of the day (e.g., hot shower, stop scrolling, have a cup of tea) and trying to sleep more hours, versus less, during the week. |
Drinking more water | Take in beverages that help me to feel good physically and mentally. | Try different beverages that have low caffeine and/or less sugar to remove the jittery and addicted/dependent feeling. |
Working out | Move my body more during the work day. | Put a sticky note on my computer as a reminder to get up and walk to another part of my office/building at least once a day. |
Eat healthier | Eat foods that I don't have to feel guilt or shame about or that make me feel unwell or unhappy after eating. | Work on not labeling foods as "good" or "bad" and taking time to notice how I feel after eating certain foods (e.g., full, happy, hungry too soon, sluggish, nauseous, headache, miserable, energized, etc.). Then prioritizing those foods that leave me with longer, positive feelings. |
Less phone | Not lose so much of my day and night scrolling | Identify other activities that I enjoy, would look forward to doing, and would require me to be off of my phone (e.g., working on my screenplay, planning upcoming vacations, Face Time with my friends, playing games with family/friends, reading, having monthly friend dinner dates). |
Socialize | Surround myself with more people who fill my emotional cup. | Invite people who fill my emotional cup to engage in some of the new activities I am interested in. |
Meditate/Journal | To calm my racing mind and negative thoughts, and to experience more gratitude. | When I notice myself in a negative spiral, I will take a breath and name one thing I am grateful for in that moment - even if it is the breath I just took. I also enjoy journaling, so I want to add this periodically as part of my nightly calm. |
Podcast | To do something different with my life. | Research/try podcasting to see if it is for me. |
More sex | To argue less and feel more loved by and connected with my partner. | Tell my partner how I feel and, if needed, consider couples therapy. |
What do you notice about Natalie's List of Intentions? The items in the far left column can be summed up as "do or don't do". It's easy to believe that completing these items means that you've won (or that you're good), and not completing them means that you've "failed" (or that you're bad).
The items in the far right column, however, are much more about process. These are based on what Natalie truly wants (as listed in the middle column). As a result, she's more likely to lean in, be curious, and discover what's helpful (or not) to achieve her ultimate goal (her why). There is no winning or losing, passing or failing, good or bad - it's is discovering and exploring, without pressure, and learning about self along the way. It is not about being better. It is about embracing new ways of being that feel good, whole, self-loving, and authentic.
To create this list, Natalie had to spend some time doing the work to uncover what it is she truly wanted and why. In the end, it is the why that helps us to keep going. For Natalie, her why was "To feel less stressed and emotionally healthier overall in my day-to-day life. " This will be what she will use to remind her to breathe when her mind starts racing, or to take that walk in her office. And she will be much kinder to herself if she forgets to take that walk, versus if she forgot to work out.
Your Why, Your Intentions, Your Next
So, what's your why? If you've put in enough data into your version of "Gina", it may very well be able to tell you what your why is. But telling you is very different than the process of discovering your why for yourself. There is much more personal power in discovering what you want to do versus being told what to do.
Once you have your why, then what? Well, follow Natalie's process if it helps. Create your three columns and identify your "Instead of", "What I really want", and "So I'll do this!" items. By the end, you too will likely have your list of intentions to explore and be curious about. If you need help creating your list, contact someone you are close to and that you trust to help you process, or you can always reach out to a therapist for support. And if you so happen to find that your "Gina" can help you with creating your list, well, then you know what to say: "You go girl!"
Here's to a New Year and a more Intentional and Self-Loving You!
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